Setback and Drawbacks—Murphy Strikes Again

Did you know that Murphy, of Murphy’s Law was a real person? I certainly didn’t. And his law, as usually quoted, is not what he actually said, which is terribly disappointing to me. I like to use the popular version of Murphy’s Law:

If anything can possibly go wrong, it probably will

…at every possible opportunity. The real version, alas, is far more mundane, actually, it’s similar in spirit but I challenge you to read the eye-crossingly dull writeup in Wikipedia describing why the popular adage is incorrect. Go ahead! What’re you, chicken? Bok bok bok! C’mon, I double dog-dare you!

Ahem. Anyway, it is a little like finding out that Benjamin Franklin never said “A penny saved is a penny earned,” but instead gave some dull (and rather less pithy) discourse on the minting and management of small-value coins. Luckily for us, the marvellous Dr. Franklin did in fact utter the line about pennies, so one of our treasured aphorisms, is, at least, safe.

I guess Murphy’s Law is not itself safe from the ravages of the Axiom Commonly Referred to as Murphy’s Law.

You know, I think I shall continue referring to that axiom as Murphy’s law. If anyone challenges me on it, I will claim that I am referring to goth rock superstar Peter Murphy, former lead singer for Bauhaus. I mean, as a rock star, surely he could be no stranger to things going wrong. Or maybe sitcom character Murphy Brown…in sitcom world, things go wrong all the time…it’s one of the chief sources of humour.

Or maybe even Eddie Murphy. I suspect, at some point, during the making of Haunted Mansion, he must have thought “Didn’t I used to be a huge box-office draw?” And then maybe he thought, “If anything can possibly wrong, it probably will.”

So that brings us to my hobby, passion, and obsession: Mythical Beings

I’ve been working hard on my project all last year, hoping I can get copies ready by my birthday or so (23 March, btw). It’s great fun, but somewhat slow going. So yesterday I did the math…the results, as the wags say, are sobering.

It looks like, if I can put in two or three hours a day, every day, on the project, including work days and weekends, I might just barely make it. Of course, there is no possible way that can happen, not with house cleaning, work, and friends…not to mention the all-important E2 and on-line games.

So, it looks like Mythical Beings, Third Edition may take most of 2008 for the first printing. The better news is that the second printing should not take so long.

Murphy strikes again…someone named Murphy does, anyway!

A Christmas Tale

Listen up, children, and you will hear the great tale of the mystical gift-bringer who visits us all this time of year.

While the kiddies snooze away, this magical character soars high above their homes, coming to each to dispense goodies to those who deserve them.

I am talking, of course, about the Christmas Bird.

Every Christmas Eve, the great Christmas Bird wings his way into civilized areas, flying high above the world. The haunting melodies of his magical bagpipes carried on the crisp night air (kiddies in warm climates simply change that to “balmy” or some other appropriate adjective).

Of course, he really doesn’t make moral judgements, like the other guy, though. I mean, he is more about judging people on annoying behaviour. You know, that guy who was talking too loud in Starbucks on his cel phone? Or that couple who would not shut up in the movie theatre? They aren’t getting a visit from old Christmas Birdie THIS year. No sirree.

But that couple at the restaurant, the ones who kept taking their screaming infant outside to calm him down—I’m betting THEY’LL be heaing magical bagpipes this 24 December.

Likewise, good tippers—Christmas Birdie LOVES people who leave appropriate gratuities (the person who tipped me $40 recently…she’ll probably be getting a visit from a certain large avian in a couple of days here).

Now, the Christmas Bird doesn’t really have presents…not exactly...I mean, who's he gonna get to build them? He finds lost items, or fixes things around the home that were broken. If you’ve been careful to signal your lane-changes while driving and you find something you thought was gone forever—think hard—did you catch the sound of bagpipes? Or if you are the type who always leaves a tip for your barista, you may find that your car runs a little better after Christmas or your computer boots up faster in the new year.

The Christmas Bird even has a distinctive catchphrase—as so many great holiday icons do. You know, Santa says “Ho Ho Ho!”, the Saint Patrick’s Day leprechaun says “Erin go bragh!” and, on Valentine’s Day, Cupid says “Duck and cover, or I’ll arrow your ass!”

The Christmas Bird says “Merry Christmas, boys and girls!” Okay, I guess he’s kind of uncreative sometimes.

So now you know the story of the Christmas Bird. Next time, perhaps I’ll tell you about the Birthday Cacomistle, the Easter Frog, or the Hanukkah Kitten.

Or even the .. I dunno..the Arbor Day…Ape … or some darn thing.

Happy Holidays to all my friends!

Kellum, Suzi, Kenny, Cassandra, Ayumi, Nick, Jack, and, of course, Andromeda (who got left out of the picture, but I think she doesn't mind too much)!

I can't believe it's been so long since I've posted on here. I've had some crazy stuff happen...some good, some very sad.

I kind of lost my will to write for a little while, but I'm back. I have been working on Mythical Beings very hard, and the first printing of the Third Edition should be done within a couple of months. I'm very excited about it.

Oh yeah, and I flew Suzi to England to hang out with her friends there. But that's her story to tell!

I leave you with this little thing my friend John sent me...

It would take 10 Long Island Iced Teas to kill me

and also these little bits of good news

47%

67% Geek

Cleveland Dating

Heading Out to the Great Midwest, pt. 2

It was good to see Charlie. We used to spend at least one evening a week with our crazy friend, but as he’s been up at Purdue doing the PhD thing, we’ve had to make do with a phone conversation every Monday night. We caught up for awhile, Charlie treated us to a rather unpracticed (but incredibly adept, in my own opinion) rendition of Rhapsody in Blue. I tried to read the music and keep track of where he was. Once upon a time, I was pretty good at that (my High School girlfriend was quite a good pianist and I used to turn pages for her). I was pretty well out of practice, but it was fun to try. It was also really neat to get to see Charlie play. He’s quite amazing at the old ivories!!

The three of us went to see the Simpsons movie. While we waited, Suzi and I played air hockey. Now, in 25 years, I can’t ever remember beating her at this game…But I did! I guess the Jedi training is really paying off!

The movie was, contrary to what a young friend of mine had said, quite funny. Of course, the three of us are all huge Simpsons aficionados…so that helps

Spider Pig! Spider Pig!
Does whatever a Spider Pig does…
Can he swing from a web?
No he can’t coz he’s a pig!

After the movie, we went to our favourite Mediterranean restaurant in West Lafayette, then back to Chez Charlie for some more hanging out and talking.

The next morning, we hit the Route 66 Diner, a local landmark---always hearty fare. We then went to a coffeehouse and hung out and talked, checked email and all that. We checked the Urban Dead crisis (which wound up with about three people leaving our little group … it’s complicated) and chatted with Charlie. All day, I was staring at a place called Hot Box Pizza. I was getting hungry.

The Wolf Howls at the wolf park are one of the West Lafayette “things” … the wolf park has several packs of wolves that researchers and students can come and work with. On weekends, we humans pay money and the researchers show us how to say “howdy” to the beautiful lupines.

We sit in bleachers just yards from the wolves (there's a fence). We had a great time…the audience would go “Ooooooooooooooooo” and, when we quit, the wolves would all be responding in their beautiful, mystical voices.

After that, we went to Charlie’s, hung out, and ordered a pizza. If you’ve been paying attention, I’ll bet you can guess where we got it from. The menu was as suggestive as the name of the pizzaria!

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Bright and early the next morning, I set out for Bloomington Illinois. I got to the Flat Top Grill just ahead of the E2 gang. It was cool--my editor friend Joe was running this shindig, and, of course, his significant other Tom was there as well. I also got to sit at lunch between two of my friends and catch up on the latest with them.

We went back to Joe’s for some games, some beers and lots and lots of talking. I was really happy to get to spend a lot of time with Joe and Tom, who are two of the best friends I’ve made one E2. Additionally getting to know a certain Rogue Poet better and the video-game maven whose screen name is Passport. It was a wonderful time! (In the photo of us playing Chrononauts, Tom is the guy in the hat, to the left is Vandewal, to the right are Rogue Poet and Passport.)

Tom and I had some fun--he has an amazing steel-trap mind that can do some cool tricks. His thing is the Periodic Table of the Elements. He gave me a chart and I quizzed him, he could (at least 80% of the time) match up an element with its atomic number on the chart. Amazing stuff. He could do it in reverse too, I’d say a number and he’d have to figure out what element it was. He did that one almost as well!

To me, the friendships one can forge online are every bit as real as any that you can make in person. I think of the people on E2 who have gotten married, hooked up, or become lifetime best friends. I think of Suzi and her new British friends, Chris, Jess, Kat, and Matt. And I think of my own pals like Joe, Anni, Tom, Andy, Kevin, two Chris’s, Eric, and so many more. There are certainly some dubious sides to the newest technologies, but there are also some silver linings, and this is a big one.

Anyway, we got home safe, sound, and of normal size after our midwestern adventure. A splendid time was had by all.

(and I leave you with a picture of Andy and me!)

Heading out to the Great Midwest

Our trip to Indiana started out with one near-disaster after another. The night before the trip, we packed and prepared to sleep. A personality conflict in our group in the game Urban Dead had been looming on the horizon for some time. Tuesday night, it blew wide open.

Additionally, Suzi’s new (used) laptop is not working properly. She had it in the shop for repairs for over a week, and they scarcely touched it! So, we had to go pick it up so that we would have it for the trip.

Between the on-line drama and the computer, we had quite a time getting on the road.

You know those torn-up pieces of tire tread you see on the highway? Denise once told me that these are colloquially called “Alligators” because of their ability to bite onto your tires and never let go. There was a whole field of them littering a highway in Oklahoma. It was as if four or five complete tires had disintegrated into fist-sized bits all over the road. There was no dodging this minefield … we thought we had gotten away, though.

A few miles later, there was an awful, dragging sound under Suzi’s car. We pulled off of the road, got out and inspected the vehicle, just certain that it was going to be something horrible.

The rubber, molded plate underneath the engine had come loose and was dragging. Back when I was in high school, they called it a bash plate. I’m not sure what the real name is. I think the 'gator had torn the bashplate loose, at least it isn't a crucial part of the car.

I found some wire in the trunk and Suzi set to work. Head and shoulders under her Honda, on the shoulder of an Oklahoma freeway, vehicles zoomed past at 80 miles an hour. I heard her comment, “I am my father’s daughter.” No question about that. She got the bash plate secured and we were off down the highway again.

(photo by my friend RoguePoet)

Somewhere along the freeway was a big, friendly “speed zone” sign.

“Okay, self,” I told myself, “slow it on down.”

The speedometer read 60. The speed limit sign ahead said 45.

Do you ever have those times you can’t get yourself to do what you need to do? I just could not get it slowed down.

The police officer ahead turned on his lights instantly.

When he reached the car, I was almost laughing, I was polite, but not obsequious or servile. “You got me dead to rights, sir! I was telling myself to slow it down.”

The policeman took the whole thing in good humour, letting us off with a written warning and an admonition to “Slow it down.”

The Howard Johnson’s hotel in Effingham, Illinois was pretty nice, but the promised wireless-in-room did not seem to work. The Night Manager could not figure it out, so we had to wait to find out about how the Urban Dead drama shook down.

to be continued...

This Time I’m in it for Love…

When I was a little kid, I hated doing schoolwork. I mean, I guess you probably did, too – but you did it, out of pride, fear of punishment, or simply because it was expected of you. For whatever reason, you did the work and got the grade.

I did not. I mean, not very often.

I skipped school and frequently failed to do my homework out of lack of motivation. There was no reward if I got A’s and no disincentive if I flunked. Which I did, sometimes.

(click on this picture to get a closer look of me in fourth grade, also the evil teacher with the very bad taste in slacks)

Later on, I learned to balance my love of shirking, daydreaming and reading books with getting B’s and C’s and not skipping quite as much school. I bumbled through high school and college in this fashion. One time, I wanted to prove to myself that I could do better. I made straight A’s that semester. Immediately thereafter, it was back to the B’s and C’s.

My biggest motivation was always recognition. You can’t really show off grades, and I always wanted to hear how brilliant I was. And I genuinely believed that I was gifted, so I never cared too much for what the report card said.

I followed the same pattern with my jobs—I did my best, within reason, but I was frequently late, and often missed work. I worked hard out of a sense of pride, but I found it was pretty difficult to get motivated to care very much. As genuine recognition is pretty scarce in the workplace, I mostly worked for the paychecks and out of a fear of disappointing my bosses or summoning down their wrath if I screwed up.

Everything changed when I went to massage school.

Suddenly, I was doing something I wanted to do, I’d chosen it, I was paying for it with my own money…as a result, I was never late for class, not even one time, not out of pride or fear—but because I wanted to be there. I studied really hard, and aced every test—I was number one in the class, and yet, while I was (and am) somewhat proud of that, it was never that big of a deal. It just felt … natural somehow.

That was about six years back. Now, having been at Massage Envy for almost two years, I’ve only been late one time (it was unavoidable, an accident had shut down the freeway), and only had to call in sick a small handful of times. It’s funny, I’m not even proud of that. Maybe in a sort of detached way, but really it is just the way things are supposed to be. I’m not late because my clients depend on me … it is where I want to be, need to be … it is where I am meant to be.

I don’t even take criticism personally. Sure, it’s no fun if someone doesn’t like my style, but for some folks it just is not a good match. I’m not the best therapist in the world, not even the best therapist I know, and that doesn’t really matter to me. I know I am doing my very best, and feel so damned good about it! I love what I am doing and it is actually fun to go to work—I know that sounds absurd, but there it is!

When I was young, I dreamed of being a big-name author or research writer and seeing my name in the book stores. When I started Mythical Beings, it was because I had visions of becoming a big-shot mythology expert. Everything2 was about dreams of glory and accolades and people telling me what a jolly good fellow I am.

The thing is, the more I write, the less I care about all those things. Don’t get me wrong, it felt absolutely great when Paul Grushkin put my essay in his book. And I love to hear from people on E2 that something I wrote touched them in some way. And the gals at my writers’ group seem very keen on my work (all the while never letting me get away with anything). But I would do it even if those things weren’t there. I’m finally doing it for love.

I once told someone that I was an “avid amateur” writer … totally forgetting that not everyone uses that word the way I do. The word is derived from that Latin word, amare, where we get words like ‘amorous’ … amateur means lover. And that it why I’m doing it these days. I’m doing the writing and the myths out of love.

And, I guess, in that sense, even though I am a professional massage therapist, I’ll always be a bit of an amateur there too.

Mythical Beings, Third Edition

Way back in 1989, I dug out a list of mythological characters that I had put together in college, taking Dr. Nancy Tuana’s Women in Western Thought course at UTD. I wanted to put them into the computer so that I could remember who is/was who in classical myths and keep them all straight when I read Joseph Campbell’s the Hero With 1000 Faces.

After reading Campbell’s book, I was hooked on expanding this little file and adding all the characters I could find in books. Later, I went back and added references and more. The thing grew out of control!

So, anyway, as most people reading this know, I’m doing a third edition of Mythical Beings this year. I’m not sure what I did to deserve all the positive feedback and acclaim that I’ve gotten, but I certainly do appreciate it! I’ve been working very hard, adding some fun stuff to the new one, revising and expanding, checking sources, and otherwise just working on my favourite hobby. I'm up to doing almost an hour a day on the silly thing. I’ve even put a few mythical characters up on Everything2 as I’ve revised them for the book.

As any of you who have ever perused Mythical Beings know, I have a lot of crazy, popular-culture stuff in there. Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, and other characters from the Star Wars films sit next to Loki, Hanuman, and other gods and heroes. In edition two I even added Torgo, the Master, and Roland (the Headless Thompson Gunner).

So, for my Third Edition, I was persueded by a certain (handsome, blond, Plano-living) gentleman of my acquaintance to add some of the wonderous characters from the mind of the late, great JRR Tolkien. Several of my dear friends are helping me out, because the last thing I need is getting called on the carpet for using a name incorrectly or some such thing.

I have also found a self-publishing house. This is distinct from a “vanity press” in that I do not pay them anything at all up front. My work is printed on demand (and at a very reasonable price---copies should retail for about $22) and shipped to people who order them. It all looks very classy, perfect bound (flat spine) trade paperbacks … good stuff.

I spoke with someone I know who is in the legal biz (a couple of someone’s, actually) and they are of the considered opinion that the inclusion of Star Wars, Ghostbusters, and JRR Tolkien characters should not be a problem so long as I add a statement to the copyright page to the effect of:

‘fictional characters are included with humourous intent and no copyright violation is intended …”

bla bla, characters are property of their respective copyright holders.

I’m not too worried about that. Apparently, about the worst thing that they could conceivably do (because my potential profits, a couple bucks a book, are so miniscule) is send me a C&D (a cease and desist notice) and tell me to take their characters out of the book.

But, when I started thinking about it, I thought, "what if a bunch of copies of this sold?"

It would just be my stupid luck to have a success and have to revise it at the last minute because the estate of the Late Professor Tolkien decided they wanted a cut of the action.

So I came up with this solution:

First, I create my third edition as planned. I order copies and my friends order copies and all the people who want one get copies.

Immediately after that, I can make a Third Edition, Second Printing, which would contain a wee bit more serious stuff and none of the silly stuff. That can be the one which I tell clients and E2 people about. Also, not telling E2 people about the first printing means I don’t have to hear about how “all Star Wars movies were so puerile and stupid and bla bla bla bla bla…”

Any of my friends who would say that, already have. And I’ve already stuck out my tongue at them!

Of course, none of this stuff is lost. I keep it all in the main notes, it is just that I can expurgate anything I want before something goes to press. Then I can pull the first printing off the site when the second printing is put to bed, so to speak. I think this solution should keep everyone happy, and if someone decides (by some crazy miracle) to order a couple hundred copies for their college mythology class, then I don’t have to worry that I’ll have Christopher Tolkien’s barristers ringing me up at four in the morning to tell me that I’ve made a mistake.

I may just leave in the Ghostbusters stuff … having Gozer the Gozerian in my myth book is way too fine.