Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Ferret Jacket Moments

I was reading some of my old Everything 2 work before bed and encountered this essay. It seemed apt as our little friend Nick passed away barely a month ago. It can still bring tears. Loving can hurt so much sometimes.


Ferret Jacket Moment
An incidence of strong sadness or tearfulness inspired by a silly or seemingly humorous artifact. A ferret jacket moment is brought about by the context or juxtaposition of the funny item in question with respect to other circumstances.

Davey was our first pet ferret. We had wanted to get one for a long time, but we had to do the research, ferret-proof the house and otherwise get everything in order, like good, pet-loving nerds will do.

September 1996—our local Petco store got a big shipment of silvery-white ferret kits. They danced and squirmed as we played with them at the store, and they made that hilarious little chuckle that ferret lovers call "dooking." One little guy in particular, the friendliest and most gregarious of the whole bunch, caught our attention. He wrestled with our hands and chewed on Suzi's rings. He shoved his brothers and sisters aside as if to say, "Me! Me! You know you want me!"

That was our boy.

Susan, who has a very mild form of slight autism, can sometimes pull really perfect names out of thin air (we suspect that these two things are related). She looked at the little rascal for a very long time ... "Davidson. Davidson Fitzweasel," she said. The name was perfect for some strange reason.

Everything that we had heard from people, books and web pages came true: Davey escaped from everything, he got into seemingly impossible places. Anything and everything was a potential plaything. He stole stuff—he stole a lot of stuff. Wee Davey stole lighters, snacks, socks, just about anything he could carry. The funniest were the bagel thefts, when Suzi's brother, Carl, would bring us fresh bagels from his job. It is one of the great sights of the animal kingdom to see a tiny animal dragging a bagel that appears to be as big as he is, hoping to hide it for later. We always caught him, or so we thought.

Davidson charmed most everyone he met. Whether he was trying to steal Carl's Twizzler candy (we have a great picture of the ferret, determinedly hanging from a Twizzler), biting feet, playing with our cats (we had four felines at the time, two of which seemed to like the little guy, two of which tolerated him), or resolutely chasing ping-pong balls around our hardwood floor like a turbo-charged soccer player, he was a charismatic little mustalid.

His mischievous nature earned him the reputation of being a loveable troublemaker. We even bought him a tiny black leather jacket–obviously, he could not wear it, but it looked cute hanging next to his mirror in the two-story cage. We thought of him as a tiny, silvery-furred juvenile delinquent with eyes the colour of sapphires.

Davidson died at the age of four years, fairly young for a pet ferret. A combination punch of cardiomyopathy and kidney tumour came on fast, hitting the little guy as if some cruel, antique god had blasted our little pet with a lightning bolt. The surgery was a success, but his little system could not handle the stresses and he never recovered consciousness.

The loss of a beloved pet is an incredibly hard thing. This one hit us especially hard. Largely, it was the speed—there was scarcely a month between our first inkling that Davey was sick and the time when he was gone. There was no time to steel ourselves, no time to plan for potential outcomes, just hang on and watch the ship sink. Suzi doesn't cry much—the child of unemotional, German Lutherans and the product of the Lutheran school system, she can be eerily stoic.

She cried this time. In our near quarter-century together I've never seen her heart so thoroughly broken. I suppose I must have cried some too, it is hard for me to remember.

We could not immediately deal with the depressing chore of cleaning out Davey's home, so we let it sit for over a week. We just emptied his litter trays and food bowls and left it. The rays of perhaps a dozen sunrises slid through the windows in Susan's room and lit up the tiny hammock where our little scamp had slept while the hearts of his adoptive human "parents" mended.

One evening we finally set to the task. We opened his cage and found his toys, shredded cloth and paper and countless petrified bagels (how did he do that??)—all his humble treasures ... and there was his little leather jacket, on the tiny coat hanger that Susan made for it. Then came the tears.

After our shared catharsis, Susan smelled like grief. I don't know that I've ever encountered that before. Grief is an odd fragrance, sort of like sweat and tears and a dash of some strange musty musk.

Suzi made a little crypt for the ashes of our first ferret. A clear acrylic box holds his miniscule urn, a thoroughly fossilized bagel, a couple of toys and that little biker jacket. Carl added a Twizzler to the box later.

...and that, my friends, is a ferret jacket moment.

Friday, October 30, 2009

Home Again

Well, here I be. I made it home in one piece, and my wonderful adventure comes to a close. My two weeks in Copenhagen were just as close to perfect as any trip could be.


In two weeks I saw a castle built in the 11th Century or earlier and touched 1000 year old masonry, I went to Tivoli Gardens, saw the Copenhagen City Museum (Danish: Bymuseum), ate a lot of good food, met many of Annie’s family (and they were all wonderful), walked a lot, ate a danish pastry or two (Danish: wienerbrød), and even spoke a little bit of Danish. Exhausting but fun.


It was so wonderful to see Annie, and to meet Jens, Maria, Tony, Louise, and little Sofia (one of the cutest babies I’ve ever seen). They were all so good to me, and every one of them was interesting, fun, and wonderful.


I flew back on Scandinavian Airlines. I sat next to a statistician from Stockholm. He bought me beers and we had the nicest chat for hours. I slept a little bit too. Flying back from O’Hare to Dallas, I sat next to a lovely older lady who, for various reasons, reminded me so much of my beloved and delightful friend Mia…Who is very much on my mind right now.

You know what that means? I had TWO good seat mates in one day. I think that’s a world record, actually.


I was welcomed by my wonderful friends, the best co-workers a guy could ask for, and some of my favourite clients in the world…including one I had not seen in a long time.


Travelling is amazing. I want to see more of the world. But there’s no place like home.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Saturday, 16th October, 2009: Anni and Jens' Apartment

Well, I'm sorry I have not been chronicling my adventures more thoroughly. Mostly I've been having them, photographing them (hey kids! Check out my Flickr site at http://www.flickr.com/photos/11701835@N02/sets/72157622561738496/), and hanging around with my hosts.

It's been amazing. The city is gorgeous and old, with historical sites and sights on just about every corner (Danish: hver hjorne). Annie and Jens have been great hosts, taking excellent care of me and adjusting their lives to allow me into their home. I've been doing my very best to be a good houseguest.

Let me talk to you for a second about the food here. Holy cow. First off, Jens is a phenomenal cook. I mean, probably better than you are thinking. That good. He's been making some some delicious dinners, I'm not gonna be losing any weight on this trip.

Danish food is not that foreign to American sensibilities. These folks eat a lot of sandwiches, pasta, and other familiar fare.

A big exception is smørrebrød, a Danish favourite. Jens and Annie took me to a very fancy smørrebrød place Wednesday (Danish: onsdag). Smørrebrød is delicate gourmet ingredients laid out on a piece of bread. The chef's English was good, but her voice was soft, and my hearing is not so good...so Annie had to order for me. My favourite was roast beef with egg and bacon. I tried bites from Annie and Jens' lunches as well and it was all delicious.

I also had a French hotdog. A big long bun with a long hole in it. Squirt in some mayonnaise, slip a long hot weiner in there and you have a delicious treat. Why is everyone snickering?

The weather has been almost perfect every day. Bright shiny blue skies, cool to cold breezes. The sun goes down a bit early (it's 6.45 here and the sun is nearly gone) and it's pretty durn cold at night, but not unbelievably so.

We have seen some amazing stuff. I love those old historical things, and well, they got em here. As Eddie Izzard once said "I'm from Europe, where the history comes from." We have seen some castles and palaces, churches, and places of historical significance. It's a real playground for one who loves old stuff like this.

We also saw Tivoli Gardens, one of the biggest and most famous amusement parks in Europe. It was wonderful, but I didn't get to ride any rides, owing to long lines (plus, I didn't want Annie to get bored, she doesn't do the fast rides). We did buy some souvenirs and walk a lot. Maybe I'll get to sneak back out there before I fly back to Dallas, and ride some thrill rides.

Oh hey, I've managed to communicate in Danish (Danish: dansk...argh...that was a weird one) a bit. Seriously. A week in this country, and I'm actually to where I can read about 80% of what I see. Which is to say I can read 80% of 100% of the writing. Or 100% of 80%...no, not that latter. Not really. But I've actually gotten to where I can understand a bit of spoken Danish too. It's a very hard language, but I'm getting there. Annie and Jens had a few exchanges where I've understood almost the entire conversation. No, I'm not evesdropping, these were the ones in front of me!

I've also managed to communicate with some shopkeepers and the like. Today, Annie and I went for icecream (Danish: is), and I managed to tell the lady "I would like two flavours, caramel and chocolate turtle...which contains no shelled reptiles, it's a rich candy that is popular here). Annie complimented me, and she doesn't give out praise cheaply.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

More from Copenhagen

Friday (October 9th), Afternoon, 2pm

Copenhagen is a glorious city! I went for a very long walk today.

I slept well, as you might imagine...some slight allergies, but nothing more that you might expect.

Annie woke me up and she and I got some 'alone time' to hang out while she got ready for work. It was really great to reconnect with her.

Annie left me a key. After a shower (Danish: brusebad), I decided I'd try my hand at grocery shopping. I wanted a toothbrush and some sodas, nothing too complex. Armed with a 200 kroner (around $40) note, I went into the grocery store.

I don't know how illiterates survive. I had a big challenge identifying some of the products as I browsed, and I can read some Danish! I bought some mixed fruit juice, some Cokes Zero (they have em! SCORE!), and the all-important toothbrush. I felt pretty good about myself until I went to pay.

My tab was 65 DKr--I gave the lady my banknote (Danish:
pengeseddel), the coin thing tossed out some coins, then things got...different. She looked at me and asked a question. I panicked. 'Ummmm..Sorry? I don't understand...' She asked me how much money I'd gotten (in English)...then I didn't know! Help!! I don't know these crazy moon-man coins. She handed me a 100 DKr note (maybe with slight exasperation, or perhaps amusement, I couldn't tell which) and I was on my way. Okay, well, whatever the case, I got my damned toothbrush (Danish: tandbørste).

After a rest, I went for a long walk in the park (Danish: park). Annie and Jens live just across the street from one of Copenhagen's biggest parks--Fælled Park. I walked its entire perimeter, snapping pictures, wandering, people watching, and window shopping. I never had to answer any questions, so I did fine, despite sore legs.

I thought I'd go back to the store and get some beer, but first, back to the apartment for a rest. And I konked. Hard. I didn't wake up when Annie (who had loaned me her key) rang the doorbell. I figured it out in a moment, but not before she'd gone away. She went down the street to see if that's where I was. Oh well, we laughed about it afterward.

That evening, Annie and I hit the town while Jens went to his gf's place (did the word complicated (Danish: compliceret) occur recently? Okay, just making sure...). It was Culture Night, a night where everything stays open late and people hit the street to see shows, have fun, and hang out. Copenhagen was crowded, but it was worth it...

I told her that I should write the Dallas City Council and sugges this. But then I said "the postscript would be 'hahaha, just kidding'" Coz seriously, Dallas isn't too interested in things like culture. Seriously! Fort Worth maybe...strangely.

After seeing some amazing sights and eating an absolutely fantastic dinner (Danish: en lækker aftensmad), we wandered to a trendy little place for a couple of $15 cocktails. Yeah, seriously. But here's the thing...across the square was a 2-person band. Just wait...you can't even imagine.

Okay, there was a man playing an electric guitar...well, playing may not quite be accurate...commanding feedback from it at a volume guaranteed to make your molars fall out. Like kind of mediocre Hendrix....but wait...there's more. Okay, on stage with him was a woman playing something in the trumpet family. I am informed it is called a lur, and it's a bit of a national musical instrument around here, but to me it looked like something from Dr. Seuss. So skin-ripping feedback combines with deeeep moaning trumpet sounds. Is there a word like 'surreal' only more extreme?

Anyway, so far everything is cool over here on this side of the Atlantic!

Friday, October 9, 2009

About 6:45 local (DFW) time--1:45 in Copenhagen

The Canadair Regional Jet which is designated United Airlines filght 6087 charges like an angry bull and leaps into the clouds. Dallas, my home since birth, dissolves into pearly grey and is gone.

In a few hours, I will be in Chicago, where a larger airplane will carry me on to my ultimate goal.

Copenhagen, a gorgeous old jewel set high in Europe's crown--founded by hearty Nordics in the days of castles and longboats. The glorious European capitol promises to be a delight for a lover of history and folklore. The Northern Europeans have a certain rarified reputation for their exquisite taste in all things culinary--my guidebook, spare and economical with words, waxes almost obscene with descriptions of restaurants, cafés, and taverns--I don´t expect I will be losing any weight on this adventure, abundant exercise notwithstanding.

Suzi and I have several long-standing traditions. Among them is that before any long trip, we go to The Original Pancake House. This old Dallas original fills the belly with good, solid food, removing the need for snacks and allowing the sort of mental clarity that a filling meal can provide.

Thus sated, my best friend and sister figure went with me to the Dallas-Fort Worth International Airport. She offered me wisdom borne of multiple international jaunts and she encouraged me with happy words. Finally, she hugged me with her strong arms, and gave me a beautiful smile as I headed into the labyrinthine depths of the airport.

With an hour to burn, I read some news from a recentg issue of the week and also polished off the first sixth of a novel Leah leant me.

Novelist Laurell K. Hamilton is a favourite of my Chamorro paramour, and I was well aware that I might eventually get involved in this woman's writing. So, after Leah, her mom, and her best friend Jeff had copies of Encyclopedia of Beings, we started to talk about faeries.

It seems like almost every culture has myths and folklore about supernatural folk living in wild places. From tiny pixies like the abatwa of abatwa of the Zulu people to breathtaking giants like the Greek cyclopes, some were friendly, some evil, many tricky. Some, like the Japanese kitsune and the Scottish selkies, wore the forms of animals. Some like the redcaps of England were quite malicious, while others, like the Irish clurichauns, were pretty nice to have around. Fascinating stuff.

Wouldn't you just know it? The illustrious ms Hamilton has a serious of books about them. And so did the pretty girl from Guam descend upon me with a sack of seven books, and so did the mythology nerd take the bait. What can I say, I just can't refuse much to a pretty pair of deep brown eyes. Plus...fairies, ogers, sidhe, in the modern world. So cool. Of course, with the speed at which I read these should be a snap. I'll be through them no later than 2012!


ABOUT 11:50 pm (23.50) local time--5:50 Copenhagen time, somewhere near Flint, Michigan

The flight to Chicago went withough a hitch. I can seldom remember a more trouble-free trip. It took a bit of doing to get to the international terminal at O'hare, but I confess to having a secret weapon: the ancient mystical power of 'asking for directions'. I'm told that many men do not possess this magick.

A train ride and a long walk later and I was in line/queue for my flight. I had no time to eat, but they will be serving some food before I sleep.

So far my mood has been amazingly calm all day. I must now confess to a tiny panicky feeling as I was bording the plane.

I have a big confession: I put on a good, educated face, but I am far from cosmopolitan.

PAUSE HERE FOR A DELIGHTFUL DINNER
These Scandinavians feed you pretty well: roast pork, broccoli, bread, even a little piece of brie, 'wee Brie' brand. Why oh why have I never tought to call my 'fake wife' Wee Bree? Probably has something to do with my strong instinct for self-preservation, come to think of it.

So where was I? Oh yes. As Buddy, the hilariously flamboyant gay character on Kids in the Hall once said 'I may talk champagne, but I am strictly beer!' Honestly, if not for National Geographic magazine, the Discovery Channel, and thousands of hours spent studying a half dozen languages I'd never have the guts to try to converse in, I'd be as clueless as everyone who thinks I's so worldly-wise.

So I get on this big plane (an Airbus A340, in case you are keeping score) and everything is instantly different. People are dressed differently from what I am used to, they look different, and everyone is reading tabloids and magazines in Danish.

I got a little panicky at that point. I may not know much, but I definitely know when I'm out of my element.

The inflight announcements were in Danish (helpfully repeated in English afterwards). I've been studying Danish quite a bit for a year and a half. I could make out words. Just a few words.

As the dinner people came around, I warmed up a bit. Whenever I was served, I said mange tak, a fairly common Danish thank you--many thanks, pronounced, roughly, 'man-guh tack.' While my pronunciation is surely laughable, I guess it was charming enough, they didn't laugh anyway.

So, as the airbus sails over the cold, dark waters of the north Atlantic, I think I'll try to catch a nap.


TIME UNKNOWN--maybe 9 in the morning in Denmark, somewhere between Labrador and Greenland

Not resting well, its hot and not comfortable, I've dozed a bit.

I just keep on focusing on Annie, with laughing eyes like liquid sapphire and somehow the trip is all worth it.


About 10.30 Denmark time, somewhere between the British Isles and Iceland

Success! I managed to score some sleep---uncomfortable and sweaty but sleep is sleep. I dreamt I'd bought a necklace for Annie, that's all I remember (no, not pearls, why do you ask). A bit of coffee and I should be good. I think bringing sleepy-time medicine was the right thing to do.


BEDTIME--about 11pm (23.00) Thursday Evening

Arrived safe and sound. I've now met Jens, a delightful guy who reminds me just a bit of our friend Doug Zook. I've also met Asha, a good natured and silly little whippet. It's been a lovely evening with G & Ts, delicious pasta, and conversation.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Heading out to Denmark soon

I sometimes wonder if English has too many words…but some of the kind of obscure ones are fun. Take penultimate for example. Did we REALLY need a word for “next-to-last?” seriously, I love the word, coz it sounds so dang high falutin’, but I don’t think many people would notice it if that word disappeared.

So, I just slept in my bed for the penultimate time before I leave for Europe.

I’m excited about going to Denmark, but I’m also a bundle of nerves. It’s my second time out of the United States, my first time to continental Europe, and the first time I’ve ever gone to a country where English wasn’t the main language. Okay, I know that virtually everyone I meet there will speak English, but still…it’s not what they speak at home.

I had an idea to learn enough Danish to get by, and have studied, on and off, for over a year. While my vocabulary has built up a bit, as the Danes would say “Mit danske er ikke så godt.” (my Danish ain’t so hot). So I won’t be holding any conversations. I might, possibly, perhaps get up enough confidence to order a beer (risking sounding utterly ridiculous), but I think my amateur linguistics will largely stay “on the shelf” so to speak.

Being five thousand miles from home, and not knowing anyone, is a bit strange. I’ll be staying with my sweet friend Annie and her boyfriend Jens (very complicated..it does however offer the possibility of awkwardness of nearly sitcom-esque scale). Also her delightful daughter has agreed to show me around a bit, which will be neat. I know a few E2 people over there too, although not very well.

There is a lot to do there—it’s gonna be a lot of fun. I am looking forward to meeting Annie’s family, and seeing her adorable grandbaby, Sofia.

Digression: when you get to my age, it’s not “do you want kids?” it’s “do you have grandkids?” Seriously, my at-home girlfriend (told ya it was complicated) has eight…and she’s younger than me!

But where were we? Oh yes…things to do in Copenhagen! So, there’s all that historical stuff I seem to love so much. They have castles and stuff…and the coolest amusement park…the one that inspired a young Walt Disney to make Disneyland. Seriously. We’ll have lots to do.

And Carlsberg Brewery offers a tour. With samples. You know I’ll be there…So yeah, sounds like heaven to me.

So I’m getting everything packed up. I need to send my amazing older sister an email and thank her for the plane tickets (yes, I already did one time! But come on…how cool of a gift is that??? It deserves two emails…and a couple shouts-out on the blog…and like, all kinds of thanks…THANKS NINA!).

I picked up my passport from the safe deposit box a couple weeks ago, and I’m taking my green scarf my client Averiel knitted for me (if you ever need knitted/crocheted goods, I’ll hook you up with her), and all my wonderful sweatshirts which I seldom get to wear here in the land of the warm winters. I’ll be breaking out my Beloved Black Leather Jacket and brand-new walking shooz too.

As it comes closer and becomes less abstract, I’m getting pretty thrilled about getting to go to Denmark.

So I won’t be around for massaging (or messaging) or anything til the end of October. I’ll not have time to check my Vampire Wars (so look after Escobar de la Cabeza de Pollo for me, my fellow children of the night) or my Sudoku games either, but I’ll get back to all that when I get home. I’ll be around on Facebook a little bit, at least to post pics (I hope) and status updates. I’ll update my blog as often as I can (I was kind of proud of how I did it while I was in England…so that’s what I’ll be shooting for.

I’ll keep you updated!

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Now I lay me down to...no wait...

Grammar is neat! I love to know the rules and minutiae of grammar, but I don’t necessarily agree with all the strange, obscure bits that one finds. And a few of them are just silly! Consider, if you will, the strange case of lie versus lay. As far as I can imagine, the only reason for this distinction is to give fifth grade English teachers something to be pedantic about after the charm of may versus can wears off.

Okay, I’ll spare you the fifth grade pedantry, but in case you don’t remember (or care), lie is used when you are talking about yourself (“I think I shall go lie upon yonder bed.”) and lay is used in the case of placing an object down (“Please lay your lorgnette upon the divan.”).

Seriously, though, as if the distinction between these two words weren’t arbitrary enough, let’s make the past tense of lie…oh, let’s see…let’s make it lay! Oh! Good one English! Thanks so much for that! Not that anyone uses that past tense, beause, really, “He lay down an hour ago.” is only appropriate if you happen to be an English teacher or if you want to sound like an 18th century poet. And wouldn’t that be Byronic? Don’t you think?

This all reminds me of an exchange from that amazing television show, The Venture Bros.:

First Henchman: Gentlemen, choose your weapons.

Second Henchman: Is this them?

First Henchman: 'Are these they.'

Second Henchman: Who talks like that?

Who indeed? This makes me need to go lay down. To go lie down. To go lie…upon…my counterpane..ummm and dream of correct grammar. A lot.

(if you note grammatical mess-ups in this post, they are likely intentional. Or, rather, I’ll say they were intentional. You know, coz I’m a rebel who likes breakin the rules. Yeah, that’s me! Take that Strunk! Also, take that, White!)

Thursday, September 10, 2009

About 22 years ago, I took a college course which dealt with a lot of old myths. I started keeping a list of mythological characters at that point, and the list kept growing.

Eventually, I put it on my computer. And it kept on growing.
About 13 years later, I decided to bind up my notes as a holiday gift for my friends (coz I couldn’t afford a real gift), and, to my delight (and surprise) it was well-enjoyed. In fact, I did a second edition a couple of years later. People seem to enjoy my off-beat, sometimes snarky approach to the classics, so I decided to add folklore and living religions as well.

Now, I’ve finished a third edition, especially for my friends. It costs $18 (plus shipping), and it’s available from Lulu Press (link below) or directly from me. Ordering from me will be a week or so slower than Lulu, but you save a couple of dollars on shipping and I’ll sign the inside of the book. Unfortunately, I can only affordably ship to the United States, so my friends in other lands will have to get their copy from Lulu (it's really expensive to send overseas. Lulu charges about 20 dollars, I'd have to charge 24 or so.)

ABOUT THE BOOK

The book is entitled Encyclopedia of Beings from Faith and Fable, it’s about 530 pages. Here is the copy from the publisher’s site (helpfully written by a friend who is a big fan of mine):


This enjoyable and exhaustive book takes the reader on a world tour through religions, myths, and folklore. Drawing over 6,000 entries from over 450 cultures, Encyclopedia of Beings is a sweeping reference work and an enjoyable and sometimes irreverent book for casual reading.

Beautifully illustrated by Suzi Eberhard, Encyclopedia of Beings is a joy to behold and a delight to read. Students of world religions, lovers of mythology, and casual readers alike will enjoy this book.

HOW TO ORDER
To order from Lulu.com
Go to this link:
http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/encyclopedia-of-beings/7485530


The price is about 27 dollars, counting shipping
To order from me: Send me $18 (plus 4 dollars for shipping, unless you live in the area and I can hand deliver it), Paypal, cheque, money order, cash, whatever. Make sure to include your address.


Email me:
mythicalmystical@gmail.com and I’ll give you paypal or mailing details I’ll get your copy in the mail as quickly as possible. If it is for a gift, let me know and I’ll be happy to sign the inside page to whoever you specify!

Thanks everyone!

Kellum

Friday, June 19, 2009

What I am up to

Literally thousands of my screaming fans have been begging to know about what I have been doing. Well, no…Literally dozens of my closest friends have been clamoring…no, not really accurate, either…Okay, my friend Jen suggested I link to my latest E2 articles and so forth and issue a little update so’s you can read some of my latest work, if you are of a mind.


http://www.everything2.com/node/1971803

A daylog (think: blog) post for E2. It’s an interesting historical parallel.


http://www.everything2.com/node/1973784

http://www.everything2.com/node/1973993

http://www.everything2.com/node/1976179

Three short articles I did for E2 based on the game Portal. These will make LESS sense if you aren’t familiar with the game.


http://www.everything2.com/node/1975801

A funny one from E2 about the word Gnarly. Like, totally!


http://www.everything2.com/node/1984333

A little article about a scary ghost from Guam. This is the kind of thing you learn about when you hang out with someone of Guamanian heritage. And did you know that the demonym of Guam is guamanian? Isnt that interesting?



Oh, and I have written a few in my blog:

http://junkill.blogspot.com/

but you know that, since you are here. Read! Enjoy!



And also I’ve been hard at work on my book…Encyclopedia of Beings, to be illustrated by my dear Suzi E. If the winds are blowing the right direction, and I can get it to output in the right format, I should be sending it to the printer by early next month!


and now, an utterly gratuitous picture of a slinky blonde!

Honour Among Squabbits

Ever since I was a little boy, I’ve enjoyed making up words. One of the first neologisms I ever invented was yuckleburpia. It was an interjection, a sort of ultimate form of “yuck,” as in “Yuckleburpia! Carrots aren’t supposed to be that colour!” It could also be used as a kind of clunky adjective, as in “Those fuzzy blue carrots look really yuckleburpia.” It wasn’t an elegant piece of word-making, but it worked well enough when I was five years old.

Suzi has such a talent for inventing words that I’ve made a Suziisms dictionary, complete with terms like apocaplectic (to be so angry as to bring about the end of all things), monkoidal (monkey-like in appearance), skullular (resembling a skull), onionated (containing onions), succention (an ascending succession), and (of course), weasicular (similar to a weasel, ferret or other small mustalid).

In my career as a massage therapist, I’ve worked at some pretty wacky places. One of the craziest was in the heart of downtown Garland, Texas. The gals there were sweet, funny, and exceptionally silly. One time, apparently, someone’s child saw a chinchilla on the television and asked what it was. One of my colleagues slammed the words “squirrel” and “rabbit” together in her odd brain and told the kiddo “it’s a squabbit.”

It caught on almost instantly. We started calling each other “squabbit” and the word took on the meaning of anyone cute and/or silly. It usually means a kid, but its meaning has expanded over the years to include adults too.

So that’s your vocabulary lesson for today…

Squabbit: (noun) 1. A small child, particularly one who is very cute or mischievous. “Sofia is getting to be a cute little squabbit these days.”
2. Any particularly cute, silly, or mischievous individual. “She is a real squabbit when she feels the mood come on.”

Variant forms: squabb, squabbonia, squabbitissimus, squabberella, squabbitizer

Squabbiticious: (adjective) 1. extremely silly and goofy. “I don’t know what was with Jake, he was in a really squabbiticious mood that weekend!”



I still love my made-up words…squabbit that I sometimes am. So long as I don’t sound too much like a norkasaurus* or say anything cringeworthy**, I’ll probably keep using my panopoly*** of them for the rest of my life!




* really dorky person

** causing one to cringe or recoil in disgust

*** a vast array, from “panoply” and “monopoly”

Friday, June 12, 2009

Doing what I love

I love my job. Back in my days of working 60+ hour weeks at the world's worst print service bureau, or faking it as a graphic artist, I never thought I'd be typing those words. At least, I never thought I would be saying them without sarcasm.

Massage therapy has been a very rewarding career for me. Not financially, well, I mean, I pay my bills on time and never lack for things, but I'm not making the big bucks by a long shot. In terms of personal satisfaction, however, it just can't be beaten! People come in to see me with soreness, tight muscles, tension headaches, insomnia, and a host of other problems. I work with them and they feel better. The praise I receive makes me feel like a hero, and knowing how effective massage makes me feel as though my job is actually making a difference.

Doing massage, even 20-30 hour weeks, is very taxing. Repetitive strain ruins backs, shoulders, elbows, and thumbs. We learn ways to keep ourselves safe, but so many of us ignore those tips and wind up sidelined. A commonly-cited figure holds that most therapists practice about three years before burning out (injuries are only one reason, among the others are low pay and dissatisfaction with the actual practice of massaging people).

The second day of April marked the seventh anniversary of my massage practice. If you count massage school, it's been nearly eight years...and I love my career more than ever.

Lately, however, there have been a few dark clouds looming on my horizon, so to speak. The deep joint of my thumb (the so-called 'saddle' or sellar joint) has been aching. My shoulders often hurt and sometimes there are fiery pains in my forearms. I recently heard that seven years is another peak for massage therapist burnout.

This is a little bit scary...or sobering at least. I really don't do anything else very well. (No, I don't. I'm not just being silly or self-effacing here...read on for explanation...) I'm one of those generalists who does a whole lot of things adequately and one or two very well. I've definitely never had a job I've feel such mastery of. Not to say that I couldn't be as good at something else, but it sure would be a long path to get there.

In my career, I've met a few exceptional massage therapists. One has been practicing for 28 years, several others for well over 10. One of our local clinics has a man in his 80s who is still massaging, and apparently does a heck of a good deep tissue massage.

So, I have resolved to be careful. I recently took a "Safe Hands" course that gave me tips on preventing injury and protecting my body for a nice long career. I have been putting ice on my shoulders and wrists, soaking in Epsom salt baths, resting, exercising...last week I got a (great) massage from my colleague, Kate. That helped a lot.

I dream that some day people will tell their friends: "You have got to go to Massage Envy Frisco...they have this 75-year-old therapist, and he does SUCH a great job!"

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Writing About Not Writing

This year has been one of trials and triumphs. I haven’t been reading, studying Danish, or even writing very much. House cleaning, and my favourite goofy online game Kingdom of Loathing have likewise suffered. I miss those things, and I hope to get back to them as soon as I can.

There have been quite a lot of ups and downs lately. As Danish director Lars von Trier said, at the end of each episode of his bizarre show the Kingdom: “You have to take the good with the evil.” Of course, he said it in Danish, so it sounded all cool and punk and stuff.

Anyway, there’s been some good, but also a bit of evil.


Over Christmas, our little ferret Ayumi ended her far-too-brief time here on earth. Bright little lights who burn so briefly, ferrets bring a lot of joy while they are here. But they are fragile and her tiny system gave up after a protracted fight with illness. That was four days before Christmas.

In January, Suzi’s dad got pneumonia. Hospital stays, oxygen treatments and a long recovery followed. Suzi spent more than two weeks out on the West Coast, helping out, leaving her hapless housemate to deal with things here. She was even out there through her birthday, which I guess we’ve still not really celebrated, two months later. We were both exhausted.

When she returned to Dallas, we both caught the flu.

The flu sucks—it’s not like some wimpy little cold where you sniffle for two days and return to normal. No indeed, this was a week of absolute misery, unable to do much of anything—high fevers, coughing, sleep for two hours, get up for one, then repeat the process. So anyway, instead of enjoying Mardi Gras in Port Arthur with my friends Sue and Jason, I got to enjoy a week of the flu. Not nearly so much fun, I’m afraid.

I don’t get paid if I don’t work…so that was not good. The last half year has had some highs and lows financially. One of my most stalwart private clients has had to quit getting her weekly massages. Her reasons are very good, I can’t blame her a bit, but it wasn’t exactly a welcome hit, particularly as Annie came out for two whole weeks in November. We had an awesome time, but two weeks with no work was not easy for me to budget.

Our immune systems thus compromised, Suzi and I entered into a roller coaster of sicknesses, with my germs heading for my lungs, and hers heading into her sinuses. She wound up with a root canal, I wound up with a hard-to-shake cough and inflamed salivary glands. Seven hundred dollars to the doctors, and the constant fear that I’m going to give this to my clients (even though the doc says I’m not very contagious). As of today (Saturday the 25th) I’m almost completely recovered.

We’ve also lost some on-line friends in the last six months. First there was an altercation in the game Urban Dead. Some people accused Suzi of doing some things that ranged from bad to downright hateful. First they didn’t like the expert way she and Chris role-play their characters (too good…intimidates everyone else and makes them not want to play with them), then accusations of varying sorts flew. They even accused Suzi of being so clueless that she “accidentally betrayed” her group to the bad guys. Next thing I knew, we were all on the outs with a group we’d been hanging with for years.

But we remained friends with some of them…for awhile anyway.

Then, well, our other characters got into it. I thought we were playing a game. Their characters started, to my perception, picking on someone we didn’t know. I tried to ignore it…and it persisted. I asked them nicely to stop, and it persisted. So, I had my character have a temper tantrum and storm out. In the game.

On the forum, I tried to explain that I was playing a character. But they realized that I am a bad person, not to be trusted. It got more and more vehemently personal. Chris and Suzi came to my defense and some WEIRD things were said about them.

We had it. We left. People who had said they would be our friends forever, evaporated. They didn’t return emails. They said things that hurt. A lot. Now they’re gone.

But we still have our Brits—some of the nicest people I’ve ever had the chance to meet.


But there is good to go with the evilness, of course.

I’m picking up more regular clients at the clinic. I keep hearing things like “That was the best massage I’ve ever had”, so that makes me feel good about my chosen field. The summer months are often a bit lean for massage therapists, so I have to try to get as many regulars as possible. When things are slow, I console myself by going through my notebook of them, reminding myself how many people really love the service I provide.

One thing I love about working in Frisco is the amazing variety of people I get to meet. One of my clients, from Taiwan, has taught me a few words of Chinese. Another, of Middle Eastern lineage, has let me try out my mad Arabic Skillz.

While I was in high school, we got a student who was born in Jordan. He was a great guy, and he taught me some phrases in Arabic. He even gave me some language tapes with Arabic phrases. Later, in college (Uni to you Brits), a nice guy named Sameer in my Organic Chem lab helped me learn some more.

So I met this wonderful client (Jeannie my dear young friend introduced us) and next thing you know, she, her husband, Suzi and I were eating great food at Afrah. I had tried out some of my Arabic on my client, her hubby was no less impressed. Turns out my pronunciation is still surprisingly good, even after over 20 years. So strange. My favourite phrase:

Hahl tata-kallum englizi?
(Do you speak English?)

My client has promised to teach me some other useful ones. So, you know, when I visit Oman or where ever, I’ll be able to order coffee and say howdy to everyone!

And we got another fuzzy-wuzzy. After Ayumi’s death, we took little Nick to the rescue shelter in order to let him pick out a new companion. He actually *sighed* when he saw all those ferrets, he was still missing Ayumi and I don’t think he wanted a new friend. But one little white ferret picked him out and came over and bothered him.—relentlessly. He eventually gave up, and we brought her home. We named her Xev, after the delightfully amoral (and frighteningly hot) woman from the insane science fiction TV show Lexx.

Little Xev is fitting in just fine. Fun loving, eager to please, and very friendly, Nick even gave up and started being friends with her after a while.

I’ve also had the opportunity to see a couple of amazing live performances. Ordinarily, I’m lucky to catch one show a year, but, but happy chance, I saw two within a week.

Brilliant Canadian songwriter/poet Leonard Cohen came to the Nokia Theatre and absolutely floored us. Ten virtuoso musicians, including three backup vocalists (each phenomenal in her own right) and a Spanish guitarist who completely stunned everyone with his technical artistry and the beauty of his work. Mr. Cohen, 74 years old, did eight encores, playing about three hours altogether. It was among the finest shows I’ve ever seen—ever.

Six days later, comedian-actor Denis Leary did a show at the same venue—his Rescue Me tour featured Leary and three other stand-ups taking turns on stage. Leary was crankily brilliant, of course, and Adam Ferrara was side-splittingly funny. The other two were not quite so funny, however. The first man seemed more suited to the Howard Stern Show, or working with that Imus guy perhaps—lots of vulgarity and not so much hilarity. Or perhaps the vulgarity was in place of actual funny content. It was hard to tell.

Lenny Clarke, who plays Uncle Teddy on the show, was pretty uneven. He was extremely political, and while I can usually laugh along with opposing viewpoints to my own (hey, our guys are just as idiotic as the other guys), his material often seemed to be geared toward inciting cheers or applause of agreement rather than actual laughter.

Overall, the show was excellent, despite the unevenness, and I got to see two of my absolute favourite people an stage within a week. Songwriter and geek favourite Jonathan Coulton will be here next month—I’ll be there too!

Among all this, I’ve had precious little time to write. In February, my friend Ella and I did a Brevity Quest for Everything2 (write as many articles as you can in a month—the only requirement being that they must be under 300 words). It was great fun, and we had even more entries than our last Brevity quest (which one of the guys called “possibly the most successful quest ever”). A guy who goes by the name “The Custodian” on there, was a one-man-writing-machine, cranking out close to a writeup a day, and they were really good ones too. I wrote three things, which is the last material I’ve added to E2.

Ella and I commissioned a BQ09 logo from Suzi, and she’s created some limited-edition swag in her CafePress store for the lucky winners.

That done, I’ve resigned my post as an editor on E2. It’s been a lot of fun, and a real honour, but for reasons you can probably infer from this blog, I have not had time to do a very good job—and you probably know me well enough to know how important it is for me to do a job I can be proud of.



Amidst all the craziness, my older sister Nina came into town. After Mother’s death, I kind of withdrew a bit, just wrote and kept to myself, it was really nice to see her again. She looks great! Healthy, happy, her family is doing well. We chatted over coffee at Starbucks and caught up.

Like a gift from the blue, unasked, Nina told me that she and her business have a stack of airline miles…she offered that if I ever want to go see Annie…

So guess where I am probably going this October!

Speaking of travel, I’m going to try to send Suzi to England to see Chris, Kat, Matt, Jess, Isla, Walter and that crazy gang. We are hoping to get her over there for August, they are doing some LARP thing called “The Gathering” I believe, and Lucian (Chris) needs his long lost sister Laura (Suzi) there. Besides, Brianna (Jess) is her bodyguard. What fun is it to have a bodyguard with nobody to guard?

So, obviously, despite the health issues, Suzi is still having a great time with her Brits. These people are just amazing friends for her. When she opened her CafePress store, they SWARMED it, buying dozens of items. They dote on her art and comment on her Flickr page. I’m so thrilled that she has people like that in her life.


I think things may be improving now. So I’ll hope for the best, prepare for the worst, and keep taking the good with the evil

(I wouldn’t mind a slight increase in the ratio, anyway.)

Thursday, February 19, 2009

My First Controversial Essay from E2

When I started writing at E2, I meticulously avoided courting controversy. There was plenty of it to go around on this crazy encyclopedia website, and I thought, as the new guy, I should just concern myself with improving my craft. Then I found a series of mini-articles at E2 that I had to contribute to.


On E2, a single title is called a “node” and numerous people can contribute to it. This can lead to back-and-forth arguments (something the editors detest), fleshing out of main stories, or even brilliant connections. This particular node did not have any good articles…mostly crummy one-liners. And it was entitled:


Hairy Armpits on Women Are Attractive


A matter on which I have a distinct opinion…in the positive.


Now I know how most people feel on this matter. Not just here in the US, but most of the world, my opinion on this matter is distinctly in the minority. I even had some rather insulting things said to me by someone I thought was a friend because of my opinion on that matter. I’m not one for controversy, really--all that bickering and sniping just makes people hurt. But then, one night, while doing my rounds with Dining In…it just hit me, and I started writing. The resulting article came out like this:

(Hey blogger...how do I do indented margins??? doggone it...I'll just put a section marker)


======+======

I grew up with a pretty thorough knowledge of the absurd cosmetic rituals that women have to go through. Proud possessor of two older sisters, things like lipstick, false eyelashes and a variety of facial and body care products were familiar sights around our home. One thing that puzzled me as a lad, though, was the shaving.

My father, who was born before the custom of women shaving caught on, told me that it was "classy looking" when women shaved. I was an inquisitive kid, and remained unconvinced.

I was aware that ' foreign' women did not always shave. Occasionally, I would catch a glimpse of an unshaved shin or armpit at the mall or on TV. I always thought it looked exotic. I can remember, as an adolescent, seeing an Asian woman in a swimsuit (maybe some picture from the Olympics) and noting that she was unshaven. I thought that this was very sexy.

I was delighted when Playboy, of all people, decided to run pictures of Madonna with her lightly fuzzy armpits and legs. I hoped that perhaps the sight of a beautiful, sexually attractive woman with natural body hair might inspire more men to think of this as less fetishistic and more natural. After all, I had heard that the whole custom was started as a marketing gimmick to sell more razors, so couldn't it be undone as easily? This was not to be, of course, and a lot of people found the pictures disgusting, because she had body hair. I doubt that Playboy ever ran any more pictures of women with natural body hair after that.

On occasion, certain famous women have decided to fly in the face the depilatory custom. Gillian Anderson had an infamous picture with David Duchovny and X-Files creator Chris Carter. The magazine (Rolling Stone or Spin, I forget which) decided to airbrush Ms. Anderson's pits rather than risk freaking out their audience. Susan Sarandon has likewise raised a few eyebrows by bucking convention and singer Paula Cole actually accepted a Grammy and made a video with unshaven underarms. The horrors!

The thing is, when you get accustomed to natural growth of body hair on women, the converse looks a little weird. It looks fetishistic, maybe even pedophilic, as if our society is trying to get women to look pre-adolescent. Maybe that is the point, I don't know, I'm not a trained psychologist.

I don't actually think this custom will change in my lifetime, but attitudes in some places may have shifted a little bit. While on a trip to Austin, I happened to spy about six women who did not shave within about 30 minutes on the Guadelupe strip. That is more than I have caught in Dallas in the last six years.

It is not so disturbing that someone would shave a part of their body, what is weird is the lack of any choice in the matter. A man, for example, can go clean shaven, he can even shave his arms, legs and chest. He can grow a big mountain man beard, a pencil-thin moustache or a big old-timey handlebar. At worst, he'll be thought of as a wee touch eccentric. A woman, at least here in the Bible Belt, who does not appropriately shave her body, is considered too grotesque for words. But it is the way that God, or nature at least, decided to make women. And it is beautiful, at least, to some of us.

======+======


I set my expectations aside and posted it to everything2. To my great surprise, I got a huge outpouring of support, upvotes (we vote on one another’s work on E2), awards (we call them “C!’s”) and humourous anecdotes. Some of the people who agreed with me were (gasp) Americans, and not all of them latter-day-hippies, either! I was stunned.


Even a few people who disagreed with my basic premise found my candor and my writing interesting. I had one guy memorably tell me that he thought my premise was flawed—that even men should shave their entire bodies, but he found the essay such a great read that he voted it up anyway.


So, just today I was recalling this little essay, and it occurred to me with humourous irony, actually none of my girlfriends ever have had the natural look. I mean, not since college anyway. I had one very special lady who said she’d be fine with it…but her genetics served her in such a way that she never really had to shave her pits or her legs.


And so we come to today, I have met a woman who is very precious to me. And guess what? She’s European. And, as the gods of irony would have it, she stays completely clean-shaven at all times. And she’s made it plain to me that she’ll never change that habit. Oh well, I suppose true love has no eyes for such trivial superficialities anyway.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

My Adventures in Danish, part one

(I have decided, at Annie's suggestion, to start putting some of the more interesting anecdotes from my studies down on the blog and simultaneously to Everything2.)

Part One:
Al begyndelse er svær
(The beginning is always tough)

Here in the US of A, people who speak a second language are something of a rare commodity—let alone those who speak a third or fourth one. The reasons for this are myriad, way beyond the scope of this article, but it offers a few disadvantages to us monolingual Yanks.

There is something uncanny about hearing someone switch gears from your native language to another, unfamiliar one. It is almost eerie—the voice is the same, although the accent changes, but suddenly the words are incomprehensible. There’s an odd feeling as if your brain just lost its ability to process words altogether. Perhaps there is just a mild drop of helplessness too...or at least self-consciousness.

I vividly remember the occasion when I introduced a wonderful German client to a coworker whom I knew spoke some German. It was a very odd experience, hearing two women I knew pretty well as they happily chatted...barely a word of their conversation comprehensible to me.

While visiting London with Annie, I had several occasions to remember that my own tongue is not her first or only. She would show me texts—-absolutely undecipherable to me—peppered with strange-looking words like ‘og’ and ‘på’ I told her it looked like moon-man language.

I will confess that I had next-to-no background in Danish. As much as I love languages, I had never studied the Nordic ones at all. I just knew a bit about their taxonomy and the high degree of mutual intelligibility among them. I knew the word ‘bastard’ in a couple of them (I used to collect that word in foreign languages—don’t ask, I can’t explain these things). I had seen “the Kingdom” (
Riget in Danish) and heard a lot of the language because of that, but all I knew was it sounded a touch like German.

One afternoon, I sat at the end of my bed in our room at the Lynton Hotel in London, and Annie napped peacefully on the other bed. I went to wake her gently with a hand massage. I sensed consciousness returning to her. She sighed and said something like this:

“Vudehklogeh?”

The three pound meat computer between my ears went “Database search—not found. Alert: Data received contains no information.”

I think I awkwardly said something like, “Honey, are you awake?”

Upon which, she opened her stunning blue eyes, looked me in the eyes and said, “Vudehklogeh?”

For an instant, I had the irrational fear that the English lobe of her brain had shut down and this could put a real dent in our holiday. But mercifully, she blinked her eyes slowly, stretched prettily and said, “Was I speaking Danish?”

Soon after the end of our vacation, I resolved to learn some Danish. Who knows? I love learning language, this could be fun!

Next time: Hvaba'?