Now I lay me down to...no wait...

Grammar is neat! I love to know the rules and minutiae of grammar, but I don’t necessarily agree with all the strange, obscure bits that one finds. And a few of them are just silly! Consider, if you will, the strange case of lie versus lay. As far as I can imagine, the only reason for this distinction is to give fifth grade English teachers something to be pedantic about after the charm of may versus can wears off.

Okay, I’ll spare you the fifth grade pedantry, but in case you don’t remember (or care), lie is used when you are talking about yourself (“I think I shall go lie upon yonder bed.”) and lay is used in the case of placing an object down (“Please lay your lorgnette upon the divan.”).

Seriously, though, as if the distinction between these two words weren’t arbitrary enough, let’s make the past tense of lie…oh, let’s see…let’s make it lay! Oh! Good one English! Thanks so much for that! Not that anyone uses that past tense, beause, really, “He lay down an hour ago.” is only appropriate if you happen to be an English teacher or if you want to sound like an 18^th century poet. And wouldn’t that be Byronic? Don’t you think?

This all reminds me of an exchange from that amazing television show, The Venture Bros.:

First Henchman: Gentlemen, choose your weapons.

Second Henchman: Is this them?

First Henchman: 'Are these they.'

Second Henchman: Who talks like that?

Who indeed? This makes me need to go lay down. To go lie down. To go lie…upon…my counterpane..ummm and dream of correct grammar. A lot.

(if you note grammatical mess-ups in this post, they are likely intentional. Or, rather, I’ll say they were intentional. You know, coz I’m a rebel who likes breakin the rules. Yeah, that’s me! Take that Strunk! Also, take that, White!)